Posted in Fiction, Scattered Thoughts

List of Excuses

for emergency use only
(written a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away)

my best friend’s former boyfriend’s roomate’s sister’s goldfish died. I had to attend the funeral.

my dog ate my homework.

I ate my dog’s homework.

I had a severe case of meningitis over the weekend.

my dog ate all my clothes.

your lectures were too long and my notes too short.

my dog ate all my notes.

my notes got soaked in the rain.

the rain got water in my ears, which affected my balance and I was walking into walls all weekend.

the walls are closing in on me! I can’t breathe! [fall to ground and fake death]

I was on a secret spy mission for the CIA. Now I have to kill you…unless you give me an A.

um…my goldfish fell into my printer and ruined it.


(I told you this was written a long time ago)

I was held captive by an underground militia group for three days.

my brother shot my computer.

my computer ate my homework.

I ate some bad Taco Bell and was having my stomach pumped.

the gas station pumped water into my gas tank.

my car exploded.

a cow fell on me.

I had amnesia for 5 days.

someone cast a spell on me and I was a cat all of last week.

I choked on a gummy worm and almost died.

I had quintuple bypass surgery over the weekend.

I was helping my sister move and I got stuck behind the fridge.

my refridgerator was on the fritz and froze my house, including all my notebooks.